Label Whores No Mores

I climbed trees, played sports, made mud pies and rode my bike with fervor. With as much joy, I donned a fancy frock, painted my nails, experimented with make-up and baked cookies. I liked dinosaurs and video games and matchbox cars, I chased boys down and kissed them. In my mind I brought to life countless scenarios in which I was the daring savior, the heroine, the boss. The rebel, the damsel, the leader. And they all fit like a glove. And still do.

I had two brothers closest to me in age, so "boy stuff" was available, but I didn't think of it that way. It was just stuff to explore. I never stopped to wonder what ramifications there would be if I didn't do one or the other set of activities, I just went for it. I employ the same gender-blindness with my own three daughters, they are as grubby and rough housing as they are emotional and delicate at any given moment. I want for their world to be as boundless and wide open as possible, so when I see people trying to place them in a gender place of stereotypes (and it happens often), it gets me formulating theories about how to lessen the importance of proving things, and how to focus more on being at ease with who they are and what they want.

Terminology gets in the way, most often. We are a society of classifiers, and that is backed up by the way we think and how we pre-determine things just at face value. Inside the box, I've noticed. As progressive as we are in this the year of the future, we are still quibbling. It has to be embraced from the get-go, that we are all a jumble of both genders and how cool that we are who we are, irregardless. Our unique perspective is where we really are.

As I got older, around my early twenties, I started classifying myself as a tomboy, as a shorthand way of saying I do things I like doing, and steer my own ship, no matter the gender normative. If I didn't define myself as such, people had a harder time understanding motivations I had to be independent or sans a steady boyfriend. Like, so much so that I deferred to a term to define myself, rather than just rolling with it despite what they had to say, turning a deaf ear to their pity or confusion. I was told it's rude to be rude, or something like that. It was oppressive at times but I didn't buckle, I just ignored it as much as I could, we're all equal in my eyes ultimately. A little packaging won't change that. Beyond gender or race or color or religion, we are people.

The ironic converse of the tomboy thing that I have encountered in my career as grown up tomboy, would be the feminist scene. It's a hot button issue now a days, which is weird, since it's been an ongoing struggle for a long time, home girl Gloria will tell you. Lately it seems like you have to shove in every one's face how proud you are being a girl/woman, else they take you for a pushover. Which usually means you are likened to a man, with all your damning of convention and your sharp tongue and demanding of things. Eff you men and your sexist malarkey! We are going to get ours because we are just as good as you, but you aren't that good! Kind of thing. I've never met someone that considers them self a Manist, though, for obvious reasons. So jokes on us.   

I'm not opposed to solidarity and feel it with a select group of strong women I've known, but many times the same that use power statements with the term "vagina" in them (for the last time we have VULVAS not just the vagina, or one part that facilitates sex and baby making, which are the sole functions we are trying to disassociate from in the first place, to level the playing field right?) and refuse chivalry of any kind and rail against wage gaps are the same doing the biggest injustice to any slighted group. And they tend toward using the term rather than living it.

In doing those things, one is still needing the all evil male gender to validate and bounce off of  for their argument to mean anything. And that puts the wall up between the two sides of a very human coin, pointing right back to the whole he/she situation that doesn't fix anything, just emphasizes it. And we are still needing a man to validate. As the galvanizing leaders who spoke for equality of all kinds, positive replacing the negative is so much closer to victory. 

Yes, there are invisible ceilings and horrendous sexist mentalities, and definitely injustice in ways of monetary appropriation, but if that's all we focus on, then that's all we'll ever be. No matter what is implemented outwardly, the change has to come from within for it to stick. No one can insult you unless you feel truth to their insults. That I do know. So if we carry on building armor around us, we close off to all that might help change that nastiness, for good. Our nurturing natures, serve us better than we ever thought.   

By this time some might be incensed and wanting to leave an embittered word or two in the ol' comment box. How dare I, not want to join something that is finally gaining the momentum it deserves, being a woman and mother and professional in my own right? How can I not use a term to define myself, if it's powerful and enlisting myself with the masses of independent people that I am a part of? I feel you, skeptical people. I realize if the revolutionary scores before me had a similar mentality, the civil/gay/gender equality movements would have looked very different throughout history. 

The beating of a drum only creates more attention to the drum being beaten, not the tireless persistence to be heard though. It's the structure we live in, but that's what I'm talking about. In every instance, the breakthroughs came when it wasn't a fight anymore, but a persistent truth with calm clarity behind it.

Be the change you want to see, evolve past all of it and create your own world of equality. Invite others into that place, with your kindness and example and attention to that which works. Then those around you know who you are through your actions, no word needed. Step into your strong shoes and be the best you possible. Leaving all the real malarkey out of it.

There will be monsters and ridicule and barriers, yeah. You have to tune that out and stick to it. Pay dues, plant seeds, keep at it. As a person with goals or dreams or ideas. Ignore the clamor of insecurity, inside and out, or you will always be paying attention to it, and it will always contort into something else out of whack.

I watch my own little ladies get after the world with ease and flair and gusto, and I know that they have this idea at hand already, gratefully. They already know that us chicks are a dynamic bunch of beings, but not just because we're women. Because we're diverse and miraculous and powerful and deserve all we want, however we want it. And we shall attain it. If we'd just realize that and stop letting others tell us anything different.

Cheers, ladies. We got this.
   

   

  

      

The Single Again, Triple Mama Drama: Saga No More

I have learned a great many things on my path so far. That's the thing with knowledge, unless you are willing to apply it to daily life or share it with those who will benefit from it, it's useless. To that end, I have been shaping my life with that swollen cache. To that end, I write this now.

My last entry into this portion of my blog (The Single Mama Drama or SMD, then shifted to the Not So Single Double Mama Drama or the NSSDMD), spoke about our arriving as a family in a new city, all glittering and alive with possibility. That coupled with the accumulation of another kiddo, Maybel Dean, and getting a full handle on their dynamic under those circumstances. I go for broke, what can I say. My wisdom on those things has grown even more, being compounded by both the (semi recent) dissolving of my relationship and the arrival of a third kiddo. Alright, apparently I go for straight up bankrupt. But how glorious it has been, and continues to be. For I have come full circle in this saga, so much that I consider it not to be one at all anymore. 

Getting into He Said/She Said details of it all isn't where I'm at, so you won't be finding that here. I'm a private person yet an open book but one of the new skills applied is to truly root out the positive from the avalanche of negative it came in at times like these. Like, full on let it all go. The rest is just tail-chasingly draining and a waste of good emotional energy, to constantly be dwelling in "what went wrong". Ours is not a tragic tail of cheating and deceit and lies and fallen majesty . The basic truth to me breaking up with the father of my kids is due to an intrinsic difference on a few key levels. You can love someone all day long, but if you don't meet up in the partnership areas that matter the most, you are spinning your precious wheels on the road to domestic equilibrium. Spinning with such fury. 

I love this man (and always will), for he co-created with me two beautiful girls. As I have always known that the real kind doesn't just disappear one day, like a set of keys, the latest revision to that is how to exist with a former partner in a way that works. No matter how many cute stories or common interests you share, when you happen to make a living being with a significant other, that is the purest form of love. A far bigger commitment than a piece of paper and a party could ever be (or any tailored version there of). To disavow that with, "Sorry, I just fell OUT of love with you" means it wasn't what you thought it was all along. That doesn't mean it wasn't real or wasn't good or wasn't worth it. Every brave thrust into intimacy is worth it in my book, it helps you ferret out what you really want, less you meet the same type of person and engage in the same type of behavior. On an endless loop. Being honest enough to change it into what you want, is where it gets interesting. This all began happening for me as I started that scary trudge up the mountain of realization. I was going to be a mother in a triple dose.

Winry Star debuted on September 25th, 2014. She is ten months as I write this (time, she flies), such a wonderful addition to the Rambunctious Twins (for not the seven years difference, they could have shared a womb, so similar those two). We all  fall in love with each other more and more each day though, so we are doing something right.

Strangely, I was convinced she was a boy until she proved me wrong, the pregnancy was just completely different from the other two (if you recall, I am a solitary fortress when it comes to child bearing and in such let nature do it's thing). I did consider a midwife briefly, for the comfort of those around me, took some vitamins here and there as my body indicated a use for them. Maybe my fixation and (turns out misleading) intuition of her being a him was what I needed to cling to, in order to deal with it and not run screaming into the rustic foothills of scenic San D.

This time around, I announced before hand that there we were multiplying again. It was odd and often nostalgic for the previous instances when I just dealt with it on my own, but much better for everyone around me so I just dealt with it the best I could. I did keep the "free birth" element like her two sissies, it was just me and her when it was show time. Resoundingly beautiful, in that moment and all else forgotten, that stayed the same. How amazing that mothers can forget all of the pain so quickly, and just focus on that which is joy and new and life affirmingly true. Little Winerz. Might be the pistol-est of all, but with a gentler slant and gentler way (and it's lovely to have a little variety). She is an asset to the team, I happily report.

So here I was with an great family in a beautiful city with everything wanted still on track to manifest and days filled with merriment. And I would still hit the wall emotionally and have mini meltdowns at will. I wanted to know why, I wanted for better than that, for those I love. Relationships really are a mirror reflecting that which you are back at you, it's totally true. Be it parental, platonic, or romantic. One informs the other, and with Winry came a clarity I hadn't been able to access ever before. Funny how that works. Have to trust the events are serving you, even as they kick you in the face.

So I decided to get really real with myself and what I had become. Take a nice long look in that mirror and figure out who was looking back. Not comparing myself to the Old Me, nor longing for the future, Well Adjusted Me. Just deciphering how I felt in that moment in comparison to how I want to feel on a daily basis, in hopes to merge the two and just be content and happy. Such a simple elusive goal if you're lost. Turns out my disquieted soul was due to me selling myself ridiculously short for the whole of my adult life. Sure I had unique, awesome experiences and had bonds with good people, and lead a mostly good life that I tried my hardest everyday to honor. Despite all those things that did work, on a the deepest inner levels, I felt the weight of unworthiness above all else. 

Sounds cliche and heavy, but that's what I unearthed. It dawned that I had railroaded myself into emotional/relationship situations that, had I just taken a second to consult my inner, truest self, I wouldn't have. I had been deferring to that ugly, impossible to please sneer in my head (the one that's disguised as my own) that belittled and betrayed who I really am. It kept telling me that this wasn't good enough, that I was doing it wrong somehow. And it was smothering the Lola out of me. Once I figured out where it came from or just that it was even there, I took action to dismiss it and shut it the fuck up. Once and for all. The main adjustment was to break all the old patterns of deferring to someone else or doing what they wanted of me instead of sticking to what I knew was my truth. That whatever I wanted or knew or felt was A-OK and even more so, essential to my success in whatever I did.

So I broke those patterns. Not seamlessly, mind you, but broken for good. For me. For my girls. A few relationships outside of the main one I'm speaking to also took a ditch for it, but hey, I guess they aren't meant to be if they blurred in importance through my new, clear vision. No way to turn back now. I knew it in my fibers, light bulb style. 

This familiar yet fresh vision beheld in the reflection that utterly kind, ever grounded, super intelligent, calmly confident, artist/rebel that had the balls and faith and resources of soul, to jump in a car and pursue what she wanted a thousand miles from comfort zone about a decade ago. And this time, she's stood ten times taller with all the life she's lived from then until now. So she tipped her hat and claimed the space to grow stronger evermore and I, at long last, deferred to her above all else. Man, it felt and feels good.

It was a hard decision, mainly for the effect it would have on my girls. Don't get me wrong. This is how it had to be, though, for that very same reason. So I fully kicked off my It-takes-two-to-Tango dancing shoes (as sensitively and amicably as possible) and began my path again, refreshingly barefoot. Well, barefoot with three sets of little bare feet beside me. We are still good friends, he and I. It was mutual, in our understanding that we needed to be alone to reach our full potential, for the better of us all. I look at him with kindness as much as I ever did (minus the random frustrations that will always be), and we are doing this the best we can, that's all one can hope for. 

Co-parenting is a marathon and a break up amid that is a decathlon. You have to keep picking yourself up, talking yourself up and playing the drama down in as many ways as it is presented. If you take being a parent or a partner or friend to heart, that is. Those applied skills I mentioned before boil down to three major points. As I discovered each one, I committed to practicing not just preaching. Do with them what you will, I know they benefit anyone, not just someone in a similar situation. As much as possible, remember that:

1.) Your life is happening RIGHT NOW.  This, right here, is where all your power lies. It's all we truly have if you think about it. Past and future are concepts, and ultimately just serve as a distraction from this amazing moment. I spent so much of my life somewhere else, missing it. Where we live and breathe the best, is right here and now. Getting lost in it, we are our genuine selves and that yields the best outcomes.
        

2.) Love, Love Love. Replace the negative fiddle faddle with kindness to yourself and those around you as much as possible, be thankful for the simplest of things. If you don't love that all important reflection you see in your mirror, figure out what it will take to love that person and follow through. Hang in there, it's worth it. Your perspective is yours alone, and your responsibility. It comes with great privilege, don't worry.  

3.) Do what you say, say what you do.  Elements of a relationship change daily (we as humans, change daily) but if you communicate and follow through, the other stuff is able to shift to what it needs to be. In all ways imaginable. Don't be afraid of stating your heart's contents, be afraid to let them die unheard.

I know I could have saved some time and effort by just slapping those down and dropping the mic (too late), but that's what went down, sparing the nitty gritty. It's all in the past, we have been broken up officially for over a year now. We are still in constant contact as we have only each other really to get square on our own (funny how that works, too), and in many ways have a far better relational time of things than we ever did as a couple. It's challenging, it's messy it's wonderful it's poignant. We will be all the better for our accomplishing all of it. The girls included. They know they are loved unconditionally and that we have their backs. I would rather they see two people realigning toward the positive, separately, than form a warped negative template of how two people are, together. Call me crazy.  

I am so proud of my unit, no matter what formation it takes, we will always be a family. Can't ever forget that. I'm excited for the future but I keep it loose like a cloud morphing with changing winds. I am grateful for the past and it's hard won lessons, but don't let it shackle me anymore, certainly don't allow it to beat upon me and in turn, us.

As far as long chronicled epic tales go, I don't consider it as such now (how I detrimentally did at times before). We've expanded past that and are perseverance personified, living and breathing and loving each other, changing daily to accommodate who we choose to be. I am so thankful I finally know that isn't a tragic tale of woe, that's a melodic memoir. How great that it won't ever be finished.     

   

     

Remake: The Movie

I read an article about seven years ago that pops into my head more and more. The author outlined ways in which Hollywood studios are screwing themselves over financially and creatively. The remaking of film history, particularly the 80's and 90's, was among the offenses. Remaking films that have no real business being messed with, as they stayed on our radar the first time around. All that tactic does is reiterate to the audience that Hollywood at large focuses on procuring dollars with haphazard, pandering nostalgia more than earning our trust or respect with original thought or innovative presentation (I'm looking at you, Disney). This was almost a decade ago, and the message is louder and clearer today than it was at the time. I don't think we recognized what was happening, but it continues, this landslide to muddy repetitive oblivion.   

If these projects were Kickstarter funded, grass roots style manifestos of exciting artistic play, that would be one thing. If, say, the people involved truly loved the story lines so much that they decide to expand on it for the further joy and enjoyment of fans everywhere and the end result tapped into that important essence. Maybe. If the entire original cast (yeah, even the two line day players) signed on with the same director and writer. Maybe, maybe.

Sadly though, even under those conditions, the versions received along those lines just fail to recapture in spirit and resonance, especially so far past the relevance marker. I submit for example, Dumb and Dumber To. I choose not to watch that one, I prefer to keep the first inspired, weird, hilarious one alive in my mind. All previews I've seen are kind of a mockery. It's a great example, because that was one of the break outs of the time, we added it to the lexicon of quoted and re-watched (I had the soundtrack, that's when you know it's real). The only reason it was, however, was that it had no intention of being so. It just ended up there, by way of telling an unfamiliar off-the -wall story with apt casting and raunch and utter silliness that worked. All the off center things were what made it memorable. I bristle when things get all contrive-y twenty years later. Polite pass, guys.        

I'm not saying that the artists involved with these projects are crap for being involved. Bills to pay and dreams to realize, haven't we all. From a business stand point major markets are hard to keep because there remains that second-to-second refreshed page of newer and shinier things to be distracted by (top tier execs not heeding the internet is the fore runner as to how this all started, if you ask me), and it ain't getting any easier.

Youth obsession coupled with instant gratification and it's a wonder we aren't just splicing together ten second mash-ups of "cool movie stuff" and calling it good: a sad event in the past, then a big explosion, a fight sequence, a romantic embrace, a secret revealed that thickens the plot and/or justifies all the drama. Then everyone smiles and laughs and carries on toward a beautiful sunset. Save ourselves time and-ahem-money.

We deserve better, and know for a fact we are capable of better.

I look around at the complex, wondrous, amazing lives of those around me and see nothing but a plot line or a jumping off point to fill numerous pages with. Everyone on planet earth has a thought that no one else has thought of before, not unlike our fingerprints, we are no two alike. Despite the unifying commonalities that will always be utilized to tie it all together, how odd it is we are lining up to accept what's being thrown at us. I know I'm not the only one out here on the farthest fringe of popular demand that feels this way.

Let's head toward the lusher, greener fields of entertainment then, those that have grown out of fertile imaginative soils, not well-worn tracts fertilized over yet again with slick business acumen and marketing degrees in (full Oscar winning) costume, masquerading as inspired installations of moving human condition. All just to grab us by the wallet and purse strings, not tug at our heart strings organically. Complete with action figure and DVD/Blue Ray combo pack on standby. We have whiffed if all before a few times. Ignoring that is an insult to the intelligence and integrity that we admired about those movies way back when. Is it not?  

Might I suggest...a familiar face, style or imagery that might be reminiscent of something else beloved, but rather than trying to recreate the entire experience, creating an entirely new one? Using the same crew, cast and vibe (if we must, after all Mel Brooks did it for years and never lost his cred), but doing something that is a complete departure from: Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, The X-Men, Middle Earth, formulaic romantic cliches, Cinderella, Snow White, the 80's hits, the 90's hits (early Millennial while we're at it), Star Wars, cult classics from any era, prequels/sequels that come from a think tank built to make money, not the originator and their personal touch. I have nothing against the themes above, or the movies they have spawned...I just don't really care enough about the characters anymore to remember or invest in any of it. I know I'm not the only one.

There are silver linings to the dreary deja vu clouds that hang above us. For every Rocky Horror Picture Show remake (the thought of that one still stings like a jellyfish), there are gems like Mr. Nobody and Gone Girl. Even if you didn't particularly like the movie (I did, both were against the grain and stylized enough to stick), it got you thinking in new directions, it dazzled you in some way even for just a minute. That minute is worth more than all hours of the other rehashes combined. It's why we buy tickets, in hopes to have that.

I hold sacred the forging of new horizons. I see no point in life itself with out it. That includes the decline to buy into all the reused just to have something to watch, and just so they have something to make money with. We are in the directors seat on that one.

So here's to those fresh perspectives, may they grow stronger and fresher each day. Eventually we will bust out of the rut. Art imitates life, after all.

I eagerly await the aisle for those stories. 

    

    

The Latest Level

On New Years Day, I shared an elevator with two strangers, an elder gentleman, and a younger gentleman. As the doors closed and we began our one floor rise to the grocery store, the elder gentleman said, "Happy New Year, I hope it's been a good one for you." to both of us. I smiled, wished him the same and confirmed that it had been so far. The other man shifted somewhat uncomfortably and said nothing, eyes front. The elder man then said, "I think there are good things to come this year." I agreed, adding that I felt that as well. At the same time I noticed that the other passenger felt the opposite, apparently. The doors opened and he all but fled the small compartment. By the sheer contrast of the two standings, that ten second scenario seemed to encapsulate the vibe of this dawning year. A time of new beginning and hope, with a dash of squeamish uncertainty. As this isn't a new theme, New Years have been happening for a while now, what evidence do we have that this will be a good year more than not? What has yet to set it apart?

There are some awesome strides being made in the positive column. Spirituality is more prevalent, it seems. More people going to church again/more/anew, more people meditating, or at the very least, questing for deeper solutions to prevailing questions. Science is uncovering and discovering things that are very encouraging, things that we've all suspected for a while in connecting the spiritual and the factual. Families starting and/or expanding, more babies coming in, bringing new life and a fuller scope with it. Professional milestones, companies giving back, trying to better the environment, some folks striking out on their own branching into a version of their dream rather than being a cog in another's. Empowerment, not subservience. The world finding unexplainable yet harmonious examples of an evolution as a planet. A stronger bond among us all, in that we know more now that we are all one. That we affect each other. It's inspiring to see these unfolding, I know they will all be for the better.

Then there's the other sobering hand, slapping at the other with detracting word. The FDA's puzzling regulation turns (like, lowering standards of acceptable food processing will benefit us all HOW exactly?), a polarized view of certain marriage laws taking effect, confusion on mandated health care and all it entails. More baffling weather/climate turns, more species dying off and fewer avenues to escape the claustrophobic realization of how big a role man plays in it all. A still stagnating economic scene, one that forces us to ignore the more pertinent issues.

Both the light and dark are ongoing, a part of the human condition in all it's duplicity and complexity and it's all pretty much same shit different day, kind of thing. A ceremonial countdown to a different numeric moniker doesn't really change either, but how we're filtering it all just might.

My awareness and connectedness to my fellow man, is the main shift for this, 2014. I think if our perspectives continue to shift enough, it will warrant some really uplifting, awe eliciting happenings, and we'll be on the right track. No offense to that squeamish dude, maybe he just doesn't like elevators. Maybe we posed stranger danger. Maybe he's just working on that perspective shift, and our reassurance was a slide in a more positive view, but he had to rush back to a party, or something. I hope the latter.
  
Usually at this time-I waited a few weeks to see how the vibe is playing out this go around-I am knee deep in a new manifesto. I've vowed to be un-afraid, to be open, to be the real me, to continue being strong, to enjoy the journey, and to let it all happen, in years past. All of those have served me well, and that's why I gave the response I did, to that kind stranger in the elevator. I do believe all this is culminating in a good direction, and I do my best to aid in that. Every day, not just once a year.

It's 2014, for Pete's sake. This was a time envisioned of flying, spaceship like modes of daily transport, meals in pill form. We are supposed to be having holographic phone calls about important futuristic things. Although we are fourteen years deeper into the millennial era and still not a regular episode of The Jetsons, perhaps we have it wrong. Perhaps it wouldn't help out the struggles we face, to have more revolutionary and reliable technological tools to aid in our various human plights. We use smart phones, we drive hybrid cars, we use NASA informed products in the kitchen and household places, and yet we're the opposite of progress they offer, quite often. Much more tech than we've ever been, yet we clobber around with these tools, almost using them to detach from our humanity, not enhance it's existence. I would love a jet pack and a programmably efficient robo-nanny to fill my shoes as much as the next chick, but perhaps we've yet to reach that horizon due to our obsession with what that horizon holds. Through  all the aforementioned positives that are happening, maybe we'll get there sooner than we think, but maybe we're better off right where we are, re-learning the basics. The two shall meet at the perfect time, not before.

That can be said for all the goals, all the hopes, dreams, aspirations and silver linings. We know they're there, and instead of anguishing over them, we ought to just take it a day at a time, and truly accept where we are in the process. Enjoy it, as much as possible. Before we know it, 2015 will be creeping up, and we'll have a chance to start the whole shebang again. Better, updated versions of ourselves, not just updated inanimate objects. Closer, if not far beyond those pipe dreams and onto another. That's my resolution this year. To keep shifting to allow the greatness to flow.

Who knows...maybe we can all share a lift and a message of hope with someone that needs it in the following months. At least we'll be that much further off the ground.   

The NSSDMD: Outside The Box Office

 Maybel, the wizened, discerning, year-and-seven-month-old she is (and I'm serious), has already landed on some repetitive films in her short time. Wallace and Grommit Curse of the Wererabbit was first. Then it was Hotel Transylvania and Tangled alternated at regular intervals. How to Train Your Dragon made the rounds. The Fantastic Mr. Fox is her current du jour, following a stint of The Croods. Big sis Logan paved the way with these, and at the same age, had her own crop of repeats. The love of a good movie is in their DNA, no secret there. Dabbling so frequently in this arena, I realized recently that one of the perks to being a parent these days is to have such an awesome array to choose from. Not every one is a gem, but those that shine are sunglasses worthy. They stand on their own as great films, not just for a certain type, age or mentality. The lackluster pillars of cutesy, clichéd "kid" shows have crumbled, and standing in their place are some of the most original, touching, and well executed stories being told. Stories that by being told in their unique way, send a message of uniqueness being a good thing.

That being said, the kid demographic has the majority of the credit for those risks being taken I'd suspect. Little ones dwell in full magical imagination while forming opinions, with a complete suspension of disbelief. No skepticism or cynicism in their way. What's so cool is that you in adult form get sucked into that world for a brief time with them, remembering what that feels like, if you let yourself. The kiddos appreciate those kinds of interactions too, how rare they can be.

Watching the flawless end results-often with new nuance found each time-it's easy to forget what it takes to get to that end. The technical genius-be it computer, stop-motion or old fashioned paper and pencil-rarely receives adequate recognition. It takes years of daily minutia from start to finish, and only a select few in the team of thousands bringing them to life ever get the high fives their live action counterparts do, if at all. They toil away to present these vivid dreamscapes with fresh takes on relevant real-life lessons. Far more than before, I'd say. The actors bringing unfettered flair armed with just a microphone, have freedom to bring the character to life with equally dazzling vividness, with no physical limitation. That in itself is pretty rad. It's art come to life simplistically, because it's allowed to be by everyone involved. The industry could apply such tactics across the board and build a sturdier foundation to launch from. Maybe even earn back a little credibility with which to earn a buck.

All technical reverence aside, the real value is how they are personally bonded to you/your family. It's honestly why I got into this crazy entertainment racket myself. Some of the happier memories of childhood are of the whole family watching a movie as a unit when the moments before and after, we were anything but. We'd take a journey, have fun and forget all else for a while. Everyone deserves as much.

I'm a big fan of quiet time, reading time, no technology time and being outside time, for sure. We are equally happy doing all. When it is time to bust out though, I'm pleased with the substance offered and retained. To know that it's enriching, not just vacant space. That we share quotes, inside references and the knowledge that we have a rekindling of those things, whenever we want. Even at a raucous daily rate.   

To be bestowed such gifts, it seems like there ought to be a better shorthand way (too late) of conveying thanks. I do know that with all flowing, passionate pursuits, the work is it's own reward. Any child can show you by how they are. Those contrasting colors will be vibrant, knocking down any four walled stumbling blocks in their way, living on. I'll take that ticket every time.      

Alchemetizing

We are the sum of our greatest and weakest parts combined, at times the weak links having the glittering edge on defining us. Flaws subconsciously tormenting, always reappearing, on an endless vicious cycle. The nuisances (or those who point them out) emerge to kick us down a peg just when we think we have a handle on them. The why is different for everyone but the how in which we try to fix them is usually common ground and for common reasons: to be happy. Self-help, affirmations, copious amounts of prescribed, legal and illegal drugs. Religion. Spirituality. Feigned ignorance. Physical exercise in place of them all. I've chosen to deal with mine using all of the above at one time or another, but in all those cases, the basis is to change the unsavory completely. To renounce the bad with a whirlwind of determination and gumption and delight in doing society and loved ones a solid. Acknowledge the little bastards, usually with a sigh or a snarl, pushing to be "better next time".

Turning tin into gold is a once thriving practice known as alchemy. Science, magic, and whatever else being used to transform something into something else more valuable. I came upon an idea linking the two together this past weekend, a provocative alternative to anyone who plays hard for Team Fix Yourself. Instead of grabbing the gnarly root and yanking it with ferocity, you allow yourself to follow it back to inception (childhood or adolescence), introduce yourself and invite it to brunch. Get to know it, embrace it, own it, love it. You are never rid of those things you give attention or effort to, so being at war is a big waste. The negative are as much a part of you as your DNA, and as hard to remove. If you're argumentative, strap on your litigious shoes and fight for important cases in a court room. So you transmute, in order not to transgress.

As I watched the five minutes of video, my knee jerk reaction-which in itself is one of my more minor yet niggling traits of doom-was a tilt of the head and a knitted brow. It was almost like this trusted sage speaking sagely to me was enabling us all to be a-holes. It takes honesty, energy and a swift kick to the comfort zone, but oppositional change is certainly attainable. To set oneself aflame is quite the ordeal mind you, but it's entirely possible.

I mused on it for the rest of the day to give the notion a fair shot. I jotted down a bullet list of the self actualized major offenders, and while doing so I had a light bulb. Try it and see for yourself.

The enumerations of shame I came up with weren't mind boggling, so there's that. I'm painfully aware of how stubborn I am, how independent to an alienating degree, how moody, how judgmental when confronted with judgment, how shamelessly I remain a joyous shopaholic, and most of all, how heinously hyper-analytical. Because I live in the maze of my thoughts like a Kodiak in it's cozy labyrinthine cave, I've come to know these things far longer. The difference was as I sat there, I think I finally managed to high five my big ol' bear. After we on-goingly meditate him down to more of a cuddly cub. It's taken 15 years or so, but fair enough. The flip side to those blighters are my fortitude in all matters, my leadership by example, my passionate pursuit of what I want, my distinct sense of style and where to find it, and that lovable bear yields what I write.

I haven't turned on myself and wagged a disapproving finger, as I automatically used to. I've simply chosen to alter the yucky thoughts in my head as they arise. I'm testing shit out in the field, recording data with less urgency and more "aaaah, that makes sense". I can't ever stop my fervent thinktitude, but I can turn it to a more accomodating speed with more light hearted outcomes. I can choose to shrug off rigidity and be flexible. I can pass by the shoe section and avert my gaze. I can accept help more often. Not with a sullen sulk for the rest of the hour/day, but with an ease and confidence.

As you become a "grown up" with responsibilities and obligations and stress, it gets easier and easier to shrug it all off and keep doing what you have to, compiling and vocalizing a litany of reasons why you can't do anything about it. I've challenged myself not to slide by in that way. I refuse to be an embittered husk, walking around pissed off at the imaginary oppressive juggernauts who are responsible. That is enemy number one of life as we have it, as far as I'm concerned.  

The results are still coming in, as they will until I'm at long last, a complete and flawless individual. Spoiler alert: that ain't gonna happen. So I'll keep treading through the discomfort and learning curves, so I can meet up with the higher level interpreted me. The Lola 2.0 (or whatever .0 is relevant these days), will surely greet me with a smile.

Despite the trials, tribulations and general monotonous loops the human condition is comprised of, I'm all for it. It's worth the lost relationships-which will come back better over time if they are a mutual good thing-the angst fueled epiphanies and the romance with yourself deepening. It's a tempestuous best friend that you can't help but keep around (minus some hate, war, greed, fear mongering and looking to others to find answers), even as it kicks you in the shins or embarrasses you at a party. I advise revisions, they are more than worth their wait in gold. And they will be to those uplifted by them, too.





     

Blendship

As you get older, the need to maintain friendships dwindles. The want may never fade, but the dogged pursuit of unnecessary bros and subsequent compromise...it grows less urgent with time and maturity (hopefully). When a bond does last, however, it is a beautiful, awesome, life affirming thing. I had the privilege of spending time with two very special friends this past weekend (sparking a few new friendships and reviving a few old ones in the process). I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of one, and the house guest (for the wedding trip) of another. Couldn't have had one without the other. I'm thankful and delighted to witness the people they've become, for at times it seemed like we'd never mix up again.

Lifestyle is the king pin in relationships. Quitting a certain drug or getting married or deciding to be a lion tamer can either strengthen or snap a bond in twain. My particular friendship killer was moving to California to pursue my life goals and get the eff out of the blizzardry. It's a word. Before I left the first time, I knew I had a handful of friends that cared about me and my life and all that jazz. By the time I came back with my first kiddo in tow, that number was down significantly but I was knee deep in being a young, first time mom, so I didn't really notice. Kids are the number one killer of inane friendships, by the way, rightfully so. Then I filled in the gaps while I was back in town, re-connecting with the best of them and drinking my anxieties away. Drinking even a hangnail away, really.

Then I rallied and moved back to Cali, and those bonds that I cemented the three years I was back, took a hit. I suppose I played yo-yo with emotions, quite unintentionally. The visits I had back since to the ol' hometown have always been split between familial obligations and a want to keep those few lasting connections. It was often too much to do and too many to see for it to be satisfying, though. Then I joined Facebook-or the modern day town crier/gossip that doubles as your personal publicist who you check in with a minimum of 38 times a day-and it became both easier and harder to stay connected. I watched as the relationships I thought I had strained a bit under the contrast of closeness. I started not wanting to comment on photos or post my own, simply because, what's the point? We are different people day to day so how can you rely on any friendship, really?

So then the wedding trip came together. I was a bit nervous to be seeing long lost faces, as I was nervous to be staying out of town without my family by my side. Like NO family. Friend only, this time around. Plus I'd be staying with one friend and partaking in festivities with the other. The old twenty-something me would have blown a gasket at that loyalty clustercuss (ten points for that movie reference if you get it right). But instead of stressing (as the old me would have) I just went with it. I am so delighted that I did so, all weekend.

As I went through the events that surround both a three day off stint and a wedding, I realized some wonderful things. I realized that those who truly know you, will rise to meet your needs. You won't have to ask, they'll do you a solid every time. I realized that the closest person to you may still learn something new, something that you couldn't tell anyone before. Timing takes a big part in what is said. I learned that no matter how well you plan, you have to give yourself over to the moment, and if you picked your people right, you'll have a blast every time. The small stuff won't be a big deal, when the big stuff is so well preserved. I learned that even if you've gained a few pounds or lost a few hairs, the core you that is you, is shining on brilliantly, no matter what. And if you pick your people well, they love you for that shining brilliance alone.

 I knew all of this before, but to realize it spontaneously again, made the whole experience all the more magical. Not that the raucous bar convos, the late night heart to hearts, the laughter, the MANY MANY drinks, the gorgeous rainbow, the sporadic silliness, the tearful tenderness, the relaxed elegance, the humble talent, the warm memories (past and presently made), the copious witty exchanges and above all the unconditional love didn't contribute...it did.

How thankful I am that finally, life is no longer a bunch of ingredients clobbering the next for palatable recognition, but rather every easy component mixing deliciously. To have those around to help in whatever way the are able make that happen for you, is a true joy.

I know I couldn't possible re-cap to a satisfying degree, so I won't try. The regurgitation is never as good as the meal itself, if you catch my breeze. Something sacred. I did have a wonderful time, dashed lightly with near panic attack inducing hangovers, but no matter. It was well worth it, all of it coming out in the wash of life's awesomeness. I looked into the eyes of my best friend, two times over that weekend, each pair reflecting a particular strand of myself, yet the best possible sum of it's whole. It's a good feeling, one I recall in the moments since, in their absence.

To my ladies, Jiffy and the Meerkat, I love thee always. And to my other lovelies: Max, Laruelini, the Chihuahua, Head, T-Dub, Adamantium, Mandita, Eric B, Effin' Mahoney, Molly J and the rest who I bonded with randomly...It was a pleasure and I can't wait to pick up where we left off.