A Mark, A Yen, A Buck Or A Pound

We hunt it down, hoard it from others, dream it were endless, and when it isn't, make it stretch. We flaunt it, we use it, we abuse it, we pray for it. We save it, shift it, invest it, spend it. We debate over it, we hate it, we love it, we lose it, we know it's not the key to life, but it sure makes the journey to find said key, a smoother ride. We don't need it as we need the intangible air we breathe (not yet, but days are numbered)...but we DO need it for the food we eat, the roof over our heads and the learnin' in our brains, so that we might earn more than those who have no learnin'. Survival of the fittest and all that. It separates us, elevates us, chucks us into fits of anxiety, depression and elated relief at any given moment. Our culture, attention, stress levels, daily routines, economy and our very lives, all center around paper. Not metal, nor magic nor spirituality. Not love, not happiness. Paper.

There are two very polarized, heated, arguments about this illustrious parchment. Both based in stereo-typical-albeit true at times-nonsense. Those that have a sizable amount wish to keep it for themselves and let it trickle down as they see fit, or something to that effect. They demand the freedom to choose how to share it, or to share it at all. They made it, they speak for it. If they want 15 houses and 35 sports cars, that's their prerogative.

Those who have minimal amounts, wish to make more but they need start-up capital to do so, just to put food on the table while they fight/compete for their opportunity to make more. And those opportunities have dwindled desperately low. The less fortunate strain the lives of those who don't know strain otherwise.

The have and have-not arguments both have valid points, but it all just boils down to your fortune blueprint and how wisely you build around it. You had no control over this as you were born, but are held accountable (pun intended) for it constantly throughout life, one way or another. We all strive to attain the American Dream, but unless we have money, connections brought about by money, or fertile means to make/save, we're at the seemingly unsympathetic whims of those that do. The age old Land O'Plenty conundrum.

For the record, I believe that a decent human will work honestly and dutifully to better their finances given an unbiased chance. I also believe that those with money would share if it meant truly helping someone and not just pacifying laziness. The skills it takes to make a mountain of cash from a start up business is a close skill set to that of someone who has to make sub par wages take care of a six person family. Devotion to a cause, if you will.

It's borderline terrorism to admit to a stranger that you have no 9-5 job (or, heaven forbid, that you're winging it with no health insurance). Heads piteously tilt at your tragic lack of security/usefulness and a silent prayer is uttered for your wretched mortal soul. Or so it feels. Either that, or assumptions are made at outward appearance that you're a trust funder with no need for the rat race. Then you're regarded with an equal mixture of hatred and envy. You're not a hinder, but you're part of the hindersome wealthy that ignore those in need. A glint of you'll never know what I go through, you'll never care in their collective eyes.

You're a blight on society no matter where you fall. Not only does that hurt and offend, it works against anyone getting to a better plateau in spirit or monetary gain. Realizing in a short second or two that those around you will forever categorize you on such insignificant yet pragmatically vital detail is sour and bitter and sickening.

We're all people, regardless of jumbled/heralded fiscal follies. We all have hearts and feelings and passions and ideas. We aren't numbers or faceless crowds to be herded to and fro by the pluses or minuses on our bank statements. That argument doesn't hold up to creditors though, most wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your specific circumstances. Just be responsible for your debts and stop whining, would you? Even as we try, we're still shuffled into the masses of lazy good for nothings that don't have the crucial pioneering spirit, and will never be handed the tools to adapt one.

I've had both self accumulated chunks to live comfortably with, and also the crippling lack there-of. I can see both sides, even as I am in the ebb tide currently (and for years now). Waking up to no food in the fridge, no gas in the tank, and numerous bills staring back delinquent, is no way to wake up. All the merciless angst, all the pressure to pull your own weight. It's the opposite of thriving, it's suffocating and nerve racking.

When things were financially easier, life wasn't deeper or more fulfilling simply because I could go shopping...but it was a stronger sense of self that I provided for myself, and those I love with my own two hands. The world was a not so noisy, rarely as ravenous and far more forgiving. It's that contrast that wrangles me to the ground.

I'm an able bodied young person-relatively speaking-and for that reason, I'm not on unemployment, food stamps or Medicare/Medicaid, even on the days I could use it. And there's many of those days. There is nothing wrong with needing or asking for help, but many see it as weakness or thievery, so much that the stigma and general tone of it all is intense enough to thwart me. I would if I had to, but it hasn't come to that yet. There are those that abuse the system in every economic bracket, and it's a shame to see such needless negativity, it breeds more of the same. There is always a comeuppance for those individuals that have nothing to do with my opinion of them, so I leave it be and focus on myself and my family. I have to.

I haven't been gainfully employed for about six years. My daughter is my current and most important job, any money made outside the home would mostly be spent on child care so I could leave the home and earn it. And there's the rub. I don't delight in this.
It's been excruciating at times, not to know where the next meal will come from, and not feeling in control, as for many years prior I was.

In this time however, I did earn a black belt in the art of making 20 dollars last a week or two, a degree in making miracles happen by wishing and willing the ends to meet, and a PHD in staying as positive as possible. I fight back mentally with the thought that someday, I'll be stable and regain my personhood to myself, and in effect, society. Some day, this will all be a funny anecdote. That all this struggle is for good reason, if the pay off, literally and figuratively, is what I'm striving for it to be. The lessons learned are invaluable, even if I didn't pay a small fortune in exchange. Being the best person I can despite the occasional urge to go on a shrieking, wild-eyed, machete wielding rampage, out of frustration, exhaustion and degrading misconception, is my focus. Out of this blinding ire that what I desperately try to improve, with futile job hunts and internal mantra, hasn't panned out yet. My sense of security isn't what it used to be, but my life is by no means inconsequential because I'm broke. Quite the converse, actually. I try frequently to better myself and my situation, but I refuse to let money be the bottom line, as scoff inducing as that statement might be to some. It comes and goes.

At the risk of provoking more tail-chasing debate, I'll say this: We're all in this together. If I woke up tomorrow with millions, this feeling wouldn't magically erase with that paper. It has been etched into my soul in both the bad and good. Maybe that's the point. Maybe others need some etching of their own before they understand their respective opposite. Understanding leads to betterment of any situation, but that's a tall order. I know it's easy to say ideally what we might learn in practice to be otherwise, as I know how hard it is to work your ass off only to see the fruits absconded with. It always works out because I believe it will somehow, but there are those that lost their resolve long ago, or never had it. That doesn't make them less deserving of a person.

The most mutually revered beings in this divided climate are those who blend in regardless of background, regardless of education, regardless of brands on their back. They relate human to human and forget to keep count, give and take equally. They shape our lives with the uplifting message to exalt what's truly important. Quality of life by way of one another.

Ultimately, it'll be a compliment to share wealth I've secured for myself. It means that all the discipline it took to get me there paid off. I've arrived, I've battled and won. All the blood, sweat and tears it took, weren't in vain. I believed and I achieved. It means I'll be breathing easier, stepping lighter. I look forward to that day, but I'm intent on enjoying my humble journey no matter. I will look at it with that trademark leadership slant that Americans are conditioned to show from day one, and try to help. From the bottom of my soul, that's the truth. For no other reason than to be kind to those that need it. But for the grace of God/your own personal Deity, go us all to the other side of the spectrum.

"Money makes the world go around" was cleverly and satirically sung in Cabaret, and at top volume and in various inflections by us all, since we created this game. That may be so, but it takes all walks of life to push us past preconceived notions, drop our egos and choose to look toward the prosperous horizon, marching on together. Pick each other up when we stumble, appreciate that we're in a position to do so. Try to do better, believe in the worth of us outside our net worth. I would gladly pay those taxes.