The SMD: De-Cycling

I've felt like a terrible mom for the past few weeks. Even if it's not my fault directly, I am in charge of helping my kid navigate the treacherous battlefield of school, through all the social, educational and pragmatic follies it provides. Logan has come home in a bad attitude funk for a few weeks now (no matter how I futilely try to ease the strain on my end), and it hurts my heart to see her in such a state. We've had many conversations on bullying, talked over negative choices versus positive conflict resolution, and she surely knows her place in all of it and how to avoid trouble. But being prepared in theory doesn't mean in practice it will work out. Us adults struggle with peaceably asserting ourselves, and these are six and seven year olds, for crying out loud. My daughter is feeling alone and bullied, and I want to snap my fingers and fix it. But I can't.

I remember my own versions of playground politics being as hectic and oppressive. Back then the "popular" kids would exclude anyone else from foursquare or tether ball, only sharing among themselves with hurtful scoffs at your request to join in. The odd derogatory remark or slur on my hygiene or my family, the occasional physical altercation. The upper classmen throwing their weight around and ignoring the lower levels or being mean for no other reason, than that they could. It cuts deeply, even as it was played off to the contrary, or in the worst case, turning into one of them myself to fight fire with fire. Which never gets anyone anywhere. The major difference is that all this was happening in fourth or fifth grade, not first grade. The times they are a changin', and how unrecognizable they've become.

Academically speaking, the year is going well. She's easily getting the hang of addition, writing her letters and sentences with increased ease, and reading better all the time. Many accolades on returned homework packets. I'm so very proud of her progress, and all the more jarred at the social backslide. Parent/teacher conference was today, and it was a welcome insight into her classroom time. She's ahead of the curve in many areas, so maybe that's the rub.

The biggest change for Logan has been that I'm not the Room Mom this year, not there (yet) on a weekly basis to back her up as I had been before. It's just a different ball game this time around. Without the weekly presence in her school experience, I guess she feels alone and adrift to battle it out on her own. Cutting apron strings is good, just not when the child feels abandoned by it. Schematics and scheduling shouldn't be a roadblock when a parent wants to be instrumental to the teacher and therefor the class, but these are difficult days. We're all doing our best, but it really sucks when signs point to it not being good enough.

After a particularly aggressive interaction with some older kids at the pool the other day, I asked Logan to please level with me. She tried to throw out an obnoxious, flippant response and avoid talking about it, but I just patiently waited. She finally collapsed into my lap, and let the flood gates open. She's been having trouble on the playground with a girl in her class, her molar teeth are coming in and making it difficult for her to chew food, she misses her Kinder-friends that were such a close knit group, now split among four different classes/recess cliques.

Of all the issues, the one in particular stood out. I smoothed her hair from her bleary eyes, and assured her that it's going to be ok. We talked about bullying yet again, and I reminded her of the tactic we'd seen a while back on one of her favorite Nick Jr. shows, Little Bill. Instead of engaging with a bully, whatever their verbal affront, you simply say, "So?" and carry on with your business. She had forgotten that simple yet effective technique, and was glad to be reminded of it, I saw it on her face. Sometimes all it takes is a gentle reiteration to help them feel equipped against the negative, but who knows if it will come out when she needs it. Those are the times a mom wants for the ability to magically appear and urge the kids into a kind resolution. If only the technology were at hand.

Bad examples at home, jealousy, insecurity and competition are the main reasons kids act out against one another, I've noticed with my own. When watching each other act a fool, it's easier to join the crazy train than to walk away and save yourself the potential disciplinary consequences, as you have to show no fear or vulnerability to be exploited later. In that sense, they all just want to fit in, to relate and to be secure even if it's by detrimental means. I think that's why Logan has gotten into this cycle, as heart wrenching as it is to realize. It's such an unfair, uphill battle. Especially for those that get taught ways to be a good citizen get pitted against those that don't. Nary the twain shall meet, without alot of bumps along the way.

Logan is a super smart go-getter (or a flat out bossy boots when she's allowed to get carried away), and has a penchant for entertaining others. She loves to help out, she wants everyone to get along and follow her down the path of fearless adventure. She's goofy, energetic and creative. All these traits will take her far in life, but the rite of passage that is the immediate need for acceptance, blocks her from seeing that. I've taken it upon myself to remove that big gnarly block, every chance I get.

At the close of our state of the union talk, I told her that empathy and her own attitude are the only things to get her past would-be bullies. After explaining that by putting yourself in the other kids' shoes and trying to be kind to their rough day/bad mood, she seemed to click a bit better with the advice after. "Don't worry about the stuff that happens between the learning so much," I said. "Lead by example and remember who you are and what our family does in those situations. Don't just turn into them to cut corners." She smiled at me, nodded her head and agreed. "Yeah, cuz it just goes 'round and 'round and 'round!" She replied.

I'll be doing everything I can to bridge this temporary gap in Logan-ness. Keeping things copacetic and structured at home, giving her praise for her good merit, keeping her in check when she tries to shirk her big girl responsibilities under the guise of being too tired/stressed to deal. We'll see if maybe she can implement those tactics more, and be happy to be her more often. I truly hope she can, as that's the only way any negative scenario is stopped. By taking the sting from the words/actions and affording a chance to fix it. Otherwise, we're all in the loop with no hope of getting out.