Alchemetizing

We are the sum of our greatest and weakest parts combined, at times the weak links having the glittering edge on defining us. Flaws subconsciously tormenting, always reappearing, on an endless vicious cycle. The nuisances (or those who point them out) emerge to kick us down a peg just when we think we have a handle on them. The why is different for everyone but the how in which we try to fix them is usually common ground and for common reasons: to be happy. Self-help, affirmations, copious amounts of prescribed, legal and illegal drugs. Religion. Spirituality. Feigned ignorance. Physical exercise in place of them all. I've chosen to deal with mine using all of the above at one time or another, but in all those cases, the basis is to change the unsavory completely. To renounce the bad with a whirlwind of determination and gumption and delight in doing society and loved ones a solid. Acknowledge the little bastards, usually with a sigh or a snarl, pushing to be "better next time".

Turning tin into gold is a once thriving practice known as alchemy. Science, magic, and whatever else being used to transform something into something else more valuable. I came upon an idea linking the two together this past weekend, a provocative alternative to anyone who plays hard for Team Fix Yourself. Instead of grabbing the gnarly root and yanking it with ferocity, you allow yourself to follow it back to inception (childhood or adolescence), introduce yourself and invite it to brunch. Get to know it, embrace it, own it, love it. You are never rid of those things you give attention or effort to, so being at war is a big waste. The negative are as much a part of you as your DNA, and as hard to remove. If you're argumentative, strap on your litigious shoes and fight for important cases in a court room. So you transmute, in order not to transgress.

As I watched the five minutes of video, my knee jerk reaction-which in itself is one of my more minor yet niggling traits of doom-was a tilt of the head and a knitted brow. It was almost like this trusted sage speaking sagely to me was enabling us all to be a-holes. It takes honesty, energy and a swift kick to the comfort zone, but oppositional change is certainly attainable. To set oneself aflame is quite the ordeal mind you, but it's entirely possible.

I mused on it for the rest of the day to give the notion a fair shot. I jotted down a bullet list of the self actualized major offenders, and while doing so I had a light bulb. Try it and see for yourself.

The enumerations of shame I came up with weren't mind boggling, so there's that. I'm painfully aware of how stubborn I am, how independent to an alienating degree, how moody, how judgmental when confronted with judgment, how shamelessly I remain a joyous shopaholic, and most of all, how heinously hyper-analytical. Because I live in the maze of my thoughts like a Kodiak in it's cozy labyrinthine cave, I've come to know these things far longer. The difference was as I sat there, I think I finally managed to high five my big ol' bear. After we on-goingly meditate him down to more of a cuddly cub. It's taken 15 years or so, but fair enough. The flip side to those blighters are my fortitude in all matters, my leadership by example, my passionate pursuit of what I want, my distinct sense of style and where to find it, and that lovable bear yields what I write.

I haven't turned on myself and wagged a disapproving finger, as I automatically used to. I've simply chosen to alter the yucky thoughts in my head as they arise. I'm testing shit out in the field, recording data with less urgency and more "aaaah, that makes sense". I can't ever stop my fervent thinktitude, but I can turn it to a more accomodating speed with more light hearted outcomes. I can choose to shrug off rigidity and be flexible. I can pass by the shoe section and avert my gaze. I can accept help more often. Not with a sullen sulk for the rest of the hour/day, but with an ease and confidence.

As you become a "grown up" with responsibilities and obligations and stress, it gets easier and easier to shrug it all off and keep doing what you have to, compiling and vocalizing a litany of reasons why you can't do anything about it. I've challenged myself not to slide by in that way. I refuse to be an embittered husk, walking around pissed off at the imaginary oppressive juggernauts who are responsible. That is enemy number one of life as we have it, as far as I'm concerned.  

The results are still coming in, as they will until I'm at long last, a complete and flawless individual. Spoiler alert: that ain't gonna happen. So I'll keep treading through the discomfort and learning curves, so I can meet up with the higher level interpreted me. The Lola 2.0 (or whatever .0 is relevant these days), will surely greet me with a smile.

Despite the trials, tribulations and general monotonous loops the human condition is comprised of, I'm all for it. It's worth the lost relationships-which will come back better over time if they are a mutual good thing-the angst fueled epiphanies and the romance with yourself deepening. It's a tempestuous best friend that you can't help but keep around (minus some hate, war, greed, fear mongering and looking to others to find answers), even as it kicks you in the shins or embarrasses you at a party. I advise revisions, they are more than worth their wait in gold. And they will be to those uplifted by them, too.