My last entry into this portion of my blog (The Single Mama Drama or SMD, then shifted to the Not So Single Double Mama Drama or the NSSDMD), spoke about our arriving as a family in a new city, all glittering and alive with possibility. That coupled with the accumulation of another kiddo, Maybel Dean, and getting a full handle on their dynamic under those circumstances. I go for broke, what can I say. My wisdom on those things has grown even more, being compounded by both the (semi recent) dissolving of my relationship and the arrival of a third kiddo. Alright, apparently I go for straight up bankrupt. But how glorious it has been, and continues to be. For I have come full circle in this saga, so much that I consider it not to be one at all anymore.
Getting into He Said/She Said details of it all isn't where I'm at, so you won't be finding that here. I'm a private person yet an open book but one of the new skills applied is to truly root out the positive from the avalanche of negative it came in at times like these. Like, full on let it all go. The rest is just tail-chasingly draining and a waste of good emotional energy, to constantly be dwelling in "what went wrong". Ours is not a tragic tail of cheating and deceit and lies and fallen majesty . The basic truth to me breaking up with the father of my kids is due to an intrinsic difference on a few key levels. You can love someone all day long, but if you don't meet up in the partnership areas that matter the most, you are spinning your precious wheels on the road to domestic equilibrium. Spinning with such fury.
I love this man (and always will), for he co-created with me two beautiful girls. As I have always known that the real kind doesn't just disappear one day, like a set of keys, the latest revision to that is how to exist with a former partner in a way that works. No matter how many cute stories or common interests you share, when you happen to make a living being with a significant other, that is the purest form of love. A far bigger commitment than a piece of paper and a party could ever be (or any tailored version there of). To disavow that with, "Sorry, I just fell OUT of love with you" means it wasn't what you thought it was all along. That doesn't mean it wasn't real or wasn't good or wasn't worth it. Every brave thrust into intimacy is worth it in my book, it helps you ferret out what you really want, less you meet the same type of person and engage in the same type of behavior. On an endless loop. Being honest enough to change it into what you want, is where it gets interesting. This all began happening for me as I started that scary trudge up the mountain of realization. I was going to be a mother in a triple dose.
Winry Star debuted on September 25th, 2014. She is ten months as I write this (time, she flies), such a wonderful addition to the Rambunctious Twins (for not the seven years difference, they could have shared a womb, so similar those two). We all fall in love with each other more and more each day though, so we are doing something right.
Strangely, I was convinced she was a boy until she proved me wrong, the pregnancy was just completely different from the other two (if you recall, I am a solitary fortress when it comes to child bearing and in such let nature do it's thing). I did consider a midwife briefly, for the comfort of those around me, took some vitamins here and there as my body indicated a use for them. Maybe my fixation and (turns out misleading) intuition of her being a him was what I needed to cling to, in order to deal with it and not run screaming into the rustic foothills of scenic San D.
This time around, I announced before hand that there we were multiplying again. It was odd and often nostalgic for the previous instances when I just dealt with it on my own, but much better for everyone around me so I just dealt with it the best I could. I did keep the "free birth" element like her two sissies, it was just me and her when it was show time. Resoundingly beautiful, in that moment and all else forgotten, that stayed the same. How amazing that mothers can forget all of the pain so quickly, and just focus on that which is joy and new and life affirmingly true. Little Winerz. Might be the pistol-est of all, but with a gentler slant and gentler way (and it's lovely to have a little variety). She is an asset to the team, I happily report.
Strangely, I was convinced she was a boy until she proved me wrong, the pregnancy was just completely different from the other two (if you recall, I am a solitary fortress when it comes to child bearing and in such let nature do it's thing). I did consider a midwife briefly, for the comfort of those around me, took some vitamins here and there as my body indicated a use for them. Maybe my fixation and (turns out misleading) intuition of her being a him was what I needed to cling to, in order to deal with it and not run screaming into the rustic foothills of scenic San D.
This time around, I announced before hand that there we were multiplying again. It was odd and often nostalgic for the previous instances when I just dealt with it on my own, but much better for everyone around me so I just dealt with it the best I could. I did keep the "free birth" element like her two sissies, it was just me and her when it was show time. Resoundingly beautiful, in that moment and all else forgotten, that stayed the same. How amazing that mothers can forget all of the pain so quickly, and just focus on that which is joy and new and life affirmingly true. Little Winerz. Might be the pistol-est of all, but with a gentler slant and gentler way (and it's lovely to have a little variety). She is an asset to the team, I happily report.
So here I was with an great family in a beautiful city with everything wanted still on track to manifest and days filled with merriment. And I would still hit the wall emotionally and have mini meltdowns at will. I wanted to know why, I wanted for better than that, for those I love. Relationships really are a mirror reflecting that which you are back at you, it's totally true. Be it parental, platonic, or romantic. One informs the other, and with Winry came a clarity I hadn't been able to access ever before. Funny how that works. Have to trust the events are serving you, even as they kick you in the face.
So I decided to get really real with myself and what I had become. Take a nice long look in that mirror and figure out who was looking back. Not comparing myself to the Old Me, nor longing for the future, Well Adjusted Me. Just deciphering how I felt in that moment in comparison to how I want to feel on a daily basis, in hopes to merge the two and just be content and happy. Such a simple elusive goal if you're lost. Turns out my disquieted soul was due to me selling myself ridiculously short for the whole of my adult life. Sure I had unique, awesome experiences and had bonds with good people, and lead a mostly good life that I tried my hardest everyday to honor. Despite all those things that did work, on a the deepest inner levels, I felt the weight of unworthiness above all else.
So I decided to get really real with myself and what I had become. Take a nice long look in that mirror and figure out who was looking back. Not comparing myself to the Old Me, nor longing for the future, Well Adjusted Me. Just deciphering how I felt in that moment in comparison to how I want to feel on a daily basis, in hopes to merge the two and just be content and happy. Such a simple elusive goal if you're lost. Turns out my disquieted soul was due to me selling myself ridiculously short for the whole of my adult life. Sure I had unique, awesome experiences and had bonds with good people, and lead a mostly good life that I tried my hardest everyday to honor. Despite all those things that did work, on a the deepest inner levels, I felt the weight of unworthiness above all else.
Sounds cliche and heavy, but that's what I unearthed. It dawned that I had railroaded myself into emotional/relationship situations that, had I just taken a second to consult my inner, truest self, I wouldn't have. I had been deferring to that ugly, impossible to please sneer in my head (the one that's disguised as my own) that belittled and betrayed who I really am. It kept telling me that this wasn't good enough, that I was doing it wrong somehow. And it was smothering the Lola out of me. Once I figured out where it came from or just that it was even there, I took action to dismiss it and shut it the fuck up. Once and for all. The main adjustment was to break all the old patterns of deferring to someone else or doing what they wanted of me instead of sticking to what I knew was my truth. That whatever I wanted or knew or felt was A-OK and even more so, essential to my success in whatever I did.
So I broke those patterns. Not seamlessly, mind you, but broken for good. For me. For my girls. A few relationships outside of the main one I'm speaking to also took a ditch for it, but hey, I guess they aren't meant to be if they blurred in importance through my new, clear vision. No way to turn back now. I knew it in my fibers, light bulb style.
So I broke those patterns. Not seamlessly, mind you, but broken for good. For me. For my girls. A few relationships outside of the main one I'm speaking to also took a ditch for it, but hey, I guess they aren't meant to be if they blurred in importance through my new, clear vision. No way to turn back now. I knew it in my fibers, light bulb style.
This familiar yet fresh vision beheld in the reflection that utterly kind, ever grounded, super intelligent, calmly confident, artist/rebel that had the balls and faith and resources of soul, to jump in a car and pursue what she wanted a thousand miles from comfort zone about a decade ago. And this time, she's stood ten times taller with all the life she's lived from then until now. So she tipped her hat and claimed the space to grow stronger evermore and I, at long last, deferred to her above all else. Man, it felt and feels good.
It was a hard decision, mainly for the effect it would have on my girls. Don't get me wrong. This is how it had to be, though, for that very same reason. So I fully kicked off my It-takes-two-to-Tango dancing shoes (as sensitively and amicably as possible) and began my path again, refreshingly barefoot. Well, barefoot with three sets of little bare feet beside me. We are still good friends, he and I. It was mutual, in our understanding that we needed to be alone to reach our full potential, for the better of us all. I look at him with kindness as much as I ever did (minus the random frustrations that will always be), and we are doing this the best we can, that's all one can hope for.
Co-parenting is a marathon and a break up amid that is a decathlon. You have to keep picking yourself up, talking yourself up and playing the drama down in as many ways as it is presented. If you take being a parent or a partner or friend to heart, that is. Those applied skills I mentioned before boil down to three major points. As I discovered each one, I committed to practicing not just preaching. Do with them what you will, I know they benefit anyone, not just someone in a similar situation. As much as possible, remember that:
1.) Your life is happening RIGHT NOW. This, right here, is where all your power lies. It's all we truly have if you think about it. Past and future are concepts, and ultimately just serve as a distraction from this amazing moment. I spent so much of my life somewhere else, missing it. Where we live and breathe the best, is right here and now. Getting lost in it, we are our genuine selves and that yields the best outcomes.
2.) Love, Love Love. Replace the negative fiddle faddle with kindness to yourself and those around you as much as possible, be thankful for the simplest of things. If you don't love that all important reflection you see in your mirror, figure out what it will take to love that person and follow through. Hang in there, it's worth it. Your perspective is yours alone, and your responsibility. It comes with great privilege, don't worry.
3.) Do what you say, say what you do. Elements of a relationship change daily (we as humans, change daily) but if you communicate and follow through, the other stuff is able to shift to what it needs to be. In all ways imaginable. Don't be afraid of stating your heart's contents, be afraid to let them die unheard.
I know I could have saved some time and effort by just slapping those down and dropping the mic (too late), but that's what went down, sparing the nitty gritty. It's all in the past, we have been broken up officially for over a year now. We are still in constant contact as we have only each other really to get square on our own (funny how that works, too), and in many ways have a far better relational time of things than we ever did as a couple. It's challenging, it's messy it's wonderful it's poignant. We will be all the better for our accomplishing all of it. The girls included. They know they are loved unconditionally and that we have their backs. I would rather they see two people realigning toward the positive, separately, than form a warped negative template of how two people are, together. Call me crazy.
I am so proud of my unit, no matter what formation it takes, we will always be a family. Can't ever forget that. I'm excited for the future but I keep it loose like a cloud morphing with changing winds. I am grateful for the past and it's hard won lessons, but don't let it shackle me anymore, certainly don't allow it to beat upon me and in turn, us.
As far as long chronicled epic tales go, I don't consider it as such now (how I detrimentally did at times before). We've expanded past that and are perseverance personified, living and breathing and loving each other, changing daily to accommodate who we choose to be. I am so thankful I finally know that isn't a tragic tale of woe, that's a melodic memoir. How great that it won't ever be finished.
As far as long chronicled epic tales go, I don't consider it as such now (how I detrimentally did at times before). We've expanded past that and are perseverance personified, living and breathing and loving each other, changing daily to accommodate who we choose to be. I am so thankful I finally know that isn't a tragic tale of woe, that's a melodic memoir. How great that it won't ever be finished.
