Writing is my first love, but acting is my hot torrid mistress. If I'm Archie, writing is Betty and acting is Veronica, if you catch my breeze. I love them both dearly in different similar ways. I ventured out into the refreshing languid California sunshine to pursue what I love, what seems like ages and millenniums ago.
Then I met a charming man on a movie set (I was an illustrious extra for a year) and got a permanent souvenir of what love was to me at the time...I'm a single mama now, which is a far cry from any vision I had of my life. Like, Bangkok to Antarctica cry. But it's what I know to be better, in many ways. Let me count them.
The Single Mama Drama.
I don't offer this information freely. I don't post "proud parent" on Facebook or MySpace (to those that still use that 'dinosaur'), if there's a potential gentleman caller that I happen upon I don't mention it within initial conversation. I shy away from other mommies at the playground that sport the rock, I weened my kiddo on The Simpsons and Happy Meals. By all conventional standards, sounds whack, doesn't it?
There's a stigma and a cliche that goes along with "single mom" I have to fight against every day ('cause it's my nature to rebel against cloistered oppression), so to be out and proud has been uncomfortable, four years running. People dismiss/pity you almost instantly when you're lugging a little one and no ring yourself, so on rare occasion I'm alone in a social setting, I prefer to present myself as a person first, a mama second. It allows them to check themselves without me slapping a bitch (male or female) which is the usual gut reaction. I have plenty of other necessities to manage.
It's a little manipulative one could argue, but so is pretending to care about someones unique life circumstances just to liken them to the decay of western society internally. I can see it in their eyes, despite any progress we've had as a culture. It's still there, even if just a flicker. And a flicker is enough.
When that (imaginary sounding yet very real) person (I encounter all the time btw) realizes that you can be single, young, attractive, intelligent, have a sense of style and self and still be pursuing what you want out of life AND be a decent mom, it's like a light bulb of appreciation pops on. One that otherwise would be misused to cast an eerie glow of hurtful ignorance.
As an incognito member of the Mommy Club, I get to be a fly on the wall. The term single mom is often associated with such judgemental gems as: desperate for a man, down on her luck, liberal and indiscriminate libido, battered wife, or my personal loathsome fave, used goods.
The daily romance you have with your child/children, dispels those uninformed labels if you are brave enough to own it, I'm learning. Women feel like any/all of those things at one point or another. The fact that a kid is in the picture shouldn't be any ones business but your own, and those you choose to let into that world. It's sacred and it's a whole other person to consider. It's a thankless, dirty, lonely, heartwarming and heart wrenching job. It's a lifetime commitment.
Logan Scarlett, my daughter, is a dizzying blend of sugary, whip smart kewpie-doll and fearless, ferocious gladiator. In the same breath, she'll say, "I love you mama, you're berry beautiful" and as I bend down with tears in my eyes to hug her, "you're smelly, can you stand over there?". Her bright blue eyes pierce me and praise me.
She's not an Oscar, indie film cred, or a visual medium of self expression, but she's a truth serum and the biggest influence on both my Betty and Veronica I've ever had. A catalyst that keeps stirring my soul and challenging my comfort zone, inspiring growth and weeding out the negative. What a precious thing it is. Even if it makes me want to run screaming to Aruba on daily occasion. All is as it should to be, between a lioness and her cub. It's my job to make sure that's true everyday.
So for all those like me without a Dr. Spock to consult on being a modern single mama, and for the kiddos that all deserve the best mama they can get (a happy mama is a happy household, that ain't no joke), any comfort I can afford, I gladly do so. Symbiosis.
Unleash your own personal Riverdale of an outlet (whatever that may be) and hold your head high. Fight the good fight, and don't ever let the drama win.
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In my comment on your "Dreadtime" I posed the question, what comes to mind when we hear "single mom"....and you have now spoken it..from the inside, as only those of us would know. And it only gets worse if there is more than one with you at the park. I hope your words, so insightfully presented, reach the ones that need to hear your thoughts the most. But if they don't, your actions as the mother you have been and are becoming will continue to educate them. I love your statement about the daily romance you have with your child...if you are brave enough to own it. Those brave ones, like yourself, are the ones that will or have known true joy, the true gift yours and thier love brings, and the depth of the life experience. You are blessed that you realize this early on...because some as you mentioned, sadly, will never get it no matter how unsingle they are. That, however, makes your efforts to do the right thing for your child, beside her, walking with her, guiding her as you grow in the lifetime commitment, all the more worth it. And you don't need to hear "Thanks" all day long, but just need to look into Logan's eyes when she wants something only you can provide......you.
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